January 15, 2013 Leave a comment
1. Metamorphosis, (in an insect or amphibian) The process of transformation from an immature form to an adult form in two or more distinct stages.
2. A change of the form or nature of a thing or person into a completely different one, by natural or supernatural means.
When I started my blog I was an unattached single girl who without trying entertained my friends with the tales of my dirty dating laundry. My experiences as a single girl have placed me in some very interesting situations, many of which are shared here. If you ask me the theme of my blog, what’s the purpose or why do I write, my response will probably be,“to share the tales, woes, and dreams of a single girl existing!”
Our connection was centrifugal but platonic, we’ve always had a great bond but we had never crossed the line. It only took one moment, one kiss and one drunken night to change everything. I was too excited to know what I was truly getting into. I knew the obvious, he was married, I was single, and our bond was forbidden. Initially, I justified and excused our actions because we were drunk, and it wasn’t as if we planned this random kiss. But THIS KISS, this kiss was the beginning of my metamorphosis. Justifying the one lonely kiss made it easier to justify secret lunch dates, secret rendezvous, and of course secret hush money & gifts. All evidence of the metamorphosis, yet I was completely oblivious of my change.
In my experience (and of course it’s FIRST HAND experience) I find it’s so much easier to compare the metamorphosis of a mistress to the manic episodes of a bipolar individual. There are the manic episodes of extreme highs succeeded by the depths of extreme lows. The trips, dates, room service and just because gifts all make me feel like “his girl” the only one who understands him, the one he speaks to without speaking words. In this moment I am beyond happy, and I feel so very powerful, but my bliss is short lived and always followed by the inevitable….
The Lows…haunted by the truth, and held hostage by my thoughts, I’m at my lowest point when I am alone with my thoughts. Thoughts filled with doubt questioning my moral compass, and my self esteem. Not only am I alone with my thoughts, but I am alone, not busy with other dates, or social events; alone because he & I will never be together. When everything shinny disappears and the façade of our relationship fades, reality remains, I am the mistress and the unspoken secret affair. We can’t talk, touch or go out when we want, and the most obvious of all is that he will always leave me. I knew that we when we first kissed, but sadly it’s starting to affect my emotions.
As hypocritical, self righteous human beings we’ve been pre-programmed to judge regardless of facts, we simply judge. I know this, because I’ve done it countless times. So as I position myself in a less than respectable role, I too question the dynamic of the affair. How can someone allow their spouse or “lover” to make them an option?
Why you are okay with being the option? And most importantly, why do you feel so powerful in those selfish moments where you give all of you, and he only gives what he can, because he can not get caught!
I can’t help it, it’s the natural flow of transforming into a mistress, I DO feel powerful as his mistress. I like that I know what he likes, what he truly wants, and that can I feed his carnal appetite in ways she could only imagine. But…
WTF am I talking about, I have truly been mesmerized by his bribes, and fallen deaf to the alarm! It’s been a year since we started things, and still, he’s isn’t ready to end things. He is so arrogant, he demeans the men I date, tells me I need to date better guys all as if he is my Prince Charming. The crazy part about it all, is that he actually means these things. Although, genuine, he fails to realize I am his mistress, his sentiment on my dating life and patterns are null in void for I am simply his mistress & secret lover. I ignore his “concern” as a deaf person ignores the fire alarm, for I know it’s just the hypocritical tangent of self righteous man who is not ready to let go of his secret lover.
He’s changed me, well, maybe I’ve changed me. This whole affair has changed me..I’m not here to pretend as if I am some pure virgin, or the Mother Mary, but I am far more jaded than before. As I decide to truly walk away from him I can’t help but realize I will never be the same. Part of me would love to continue this affair and ignore everything I know to be right, but I know that nothing good can from our actions. I once watched Unfaithful starring Richard Grier, Diane Lane & Oliver Martinez. Oliver & Lane found themselves in a heated erotic affair which ended in the death of Oliver by her husband, Grier. I often think of how I’d hate to have such a tragic ending, and I should get out while the getting is good. We’ve been here before, The Last Hurrah, but now I am truly ready to walk away. I know regardless of when I end things, my transgressions will always affect me & and at some point I will pay for my sins. But till then I’ll pray to be a better person, and to be stronger than I was before.